Why Leave Their “Ideal” Marriages?
You might have personally witnessed the experience I am about to discuss, or perhaps you’ve seen women around you make the decision to leave their marriages. Either way, this blog aims to explore specific themes associated with women choosing to leave what might have seemed like “ideal” marriages, as observed through my work as a relationship counselor.
It’s undeniable that marriage and commitment have been redefined in our society. Generational shifts, gender-related changes, empowerment, and the freedom of choice have collectively influenced how individuals in the modern era identify, perceive tradition, and approach commitment.
There’s no absolute “right” or “wrong,” but the reality is that things have changed. As we reach a certain age, we might find ourselves grappling with conflicting questions and few answers. Questions such as “Do I want to get married?” “Is this person right for me?” “Do I want children?” “Have I waited too long to make a decision?” and “Did I settle?” become prevalent. The evolving traditions have both positive and negative impacts. One negative aspect is the lack of clear guidance due to the abundance of choices, which can leave us feeling increasingly confused about “where to go.”
In the modern world I’ve observed recurring trends in clients' experiences, one of which involves many women deciding to leave their seemingly “ideal marriage” on paper, often after years of commitment and perceived happiness.
In my work with couples, it's a statistically notable trend that more women make the decision to leave the men. It’s important to note that this observation is not about labeling or passing judgment as “good” or “bad,” but rather acknowledging a common pattern. Does this observation surprise you?
I was looking at a picture of a woman on her wedding day, the love in her eyes for her groom. It almost seems overwhelming. It’s indeed fascinating when considering the broader context.
Clearly, individual motivations vary widely, and it would be a mistake to attribute the decision of every woman who chooses to leave her marriage to a single reason. Instead, I aim to identify three consistent causes that I have repeatedly encountered in my line of work. Factors that often play a significant role in why women opt to leave their supposedly “ideal marriages.”
Consider a scenario where a woman, initially defined by her independence and strong work ethic, transitions into marriage and motherhood, gradually relinquishing her professional pursuits. Over time, she finds herself disconnected from her former self, grappling with a loss of confidence and independence. As her children grow older, she yearns to rediscover herself, yet perceives her attempts met with criticism and judgment from her husband. Feeling abandoned and conflicted, her desire to reestablish her identity clashes with her partner’s lack of understanding, leaving her isolated and insecure. Ultimately, feeling unable to reclaim her empowerment, confidence, and authenticity within the marriage, she contemplates leaving as the sole means to pursue her personal growth and well-being.
Another common reason behind women leaving seemingly “ideal” marriages is the failure to effectively communicate the severity of their fears or needs to their partners until a decision to leave has been made or an affair has occurred. This observation, not a critique of judgment, has emerged consistently in my work with couples over the years. What often emerges across various relationships is the sense of defeat felt by some women, leading them to counseling only after having already mentally committed to leaving their marriages. They express feeling disheartened, having believed they had communicated their needs and fears repeatedly, yet their partners “never listened.” As an impartial observer in the room, I can discern how these women perceive the situation and why it might feel discouraging to them. Additionally, I understand their male counterparts' perspective, where their partner's attempts to communicate may have been internalized as nagging or criticism, thus leading to misinterpretation of the underlying messages being conveyed. The communication gap is prevalent issues in the relationships I encounter, often explained in terms of a “vulnerability scale.” I often ask clients to rate their vulnerability on a scale of 1-5. While they might express themselves emotionally at a level 5 during sessions, their communication at home might hover at a level 1-3. We often fail to recognize that speaking does not guarantee that our vulnerability and intentions are being heard. If we’ve communicated at a level 1-3 for years, it’s no wonder our partners haven’t truly heard us. Levels 1-3 often carry an aggressive or defensive tone, rooted in protecting our insecurities, and are tangled with unnecessary content, while level 5 involves expressing our deepest needs, insecurities, and feelings without defensiveness. Regrettably, this situation is often a result of lacking the necessary tools. Most of us struggle to communicate at a level 5 with our partners, leading to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding, ultimately causing us to shut down. After years of perpetuating this cycle, it’s understandable why couples choose to separate, it becomes exhausting.
Often, women find themselves at a crossroads, realizing that the life they’ve built is merely a collection of checked boxes, lacking the authentic fulfillment they crave. The realization doesn’t always occur, but when it does, it’s a poignant moment. Many women come to understand that they’ve adhered to societal norms and others expectations, neglecting their own authentic desires in the process. At this juncture, they confront unmet needs that were once compromised for the sake of marriage. It’s a conflict within themselves: they yearn for aspects they didn’t initially prioritize when they got married. As they grapple with this internal struggle, they face the daunting task of expressing these unmet needs to their partner. They may feel conflicted, knowing that their partner may not possess the capacity to meet these newfound needs. This inner conflict often leads to feelings of being stuck, suppressing their true desires, and wrestling with intense guilt. Despite loving various aspects of their partner and acknowledging their partner’s positive traits, they still feel incomplete and yearn for more, whether it’s emotional connection or other unfulfilled needs.
This blog may deeply resonate with you, stirring profound emotions. Whether you’re a woman who identifies with these feelings or a man striving to comprehend why your partner is considering leaving or has already left, this content aims to foster insight and awareness. Recognizing that everyone’s story and circumstances are unique, it’s vital to respect each individual’s right to make their own decisions. If you find yourself in a similar situation and wish to prevent divorce or seek a supportive space to discuss it, remember that counseling can be immensely beneficial. Equipping yourself with the tools to understand your own needs and communicate effectively with your partner can be transformative for your relationship, fostering growth and understanding.