Boundaries

Boundaries are vital for healthy relationships, yet women have long been conditioned to view saying no or setting limits as impolite. The fear of displeasing others often overshadows the need to prioritize their own well-being. However, through my own experiences, I’ve discovered that standing up for myself has garnered more respect from those around me. Understanding what I don’t want has illuminated my desires, enabling me to articulate my needs respectfully to loved ones and colleagues, rather than silently enduring.

I’ve observed many individuals passionately lament about mistreatment or neglect while hesitating to voice their concerns, fearing they might disrupt the status quo. What they fail to realize is that suppressing such emotions can be more perilous than confronting them, except in cases of abuse. Unexpressed resentment festers like water seeping into a boat, jeopardizing both parties.

Regardless of the duration of a relationship, partners cannot always intuit each other’s feelings. Communicating when overwhelmed, lonely, or underappreciated is imperative. Simple acts like unloading the dishwasher or providing solitude can significantly impact one’s well-being. Addressing these seemingly trivial matters prevents them from snowballing into significant relationship threats. In my Gottman training, emphasizing the identification and articulation of needs resonated profoundly. Imagine the reduction in frustration and resentment if everyone voiced their needs instead of resorting to withdrawal or passive-aggressive behavior. 

Before delving into setting boundaries, it’s pivotal to address the prerequisite of feeling safe. While abusive relationships directly compromise one’s sense of safety, other circumstances like sleep deprivation from caring for a newborn, uncertainties in a situation, or heightened conflicts can also erode emotional security. In such vulnerable states, establishing and maintaining boundaries becomes a daunting task.

Central to boundary establishment is the embodiment of safety.

Brene Brown beautifully captures this sentiment, stating, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” For individuals inclined towards people-pleasing, the notion of disappointing others can trigger feelings of insecurity. Such responses may stem from past traumas, and upbringing marked by abuse, or a quest for love in an environment characterized by emotional neglect and invalidation.

Cultivating self-compassion and seeking guidance from a therapist are instrumental in fortifying your emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. These practices not only offer healing experiences but also empower you to set and uphold boundaries effectively.

In Harriet Lerner’s insightful book, “The Dance of Anger,” she delves into the concept of the “change back” reaction. It’s crucial to recognize that initiating change can evoke discomfort in those around us, not because the changes are inherently wrong, but because they introduce unfamiliarity into the dynamics of the relationship. As you navigate this uncharted territory, expect some missteps- akin to getting your toes stepped on.

While it’s important to acknowledge and validate the anxiety, hurt, frustration, or disappointment that others may experience. It’s equally vital not to internalize these emotions as your own. Offer support without shouldering the burden of their reactions, allowing them the space to regain their footing in this new, healthier dance. Understand that their journey to adapt may involve stumbling or even a refusal to rise, but ultimately, their response is not a reflection or your worth.

Establishing and upholding healthy boundaries can be transformative for your relationships and overall well-being. Embrace your authentic self and be prepared to let go of those who resist embracing the change you’ve initiated. Remember, prioritizing your growth and self-respect is paramount, even if it means parting ways with individuals who are unable to evolve alongside you.  

There are instances where setting boundaries not only avoids disappointment but also fosters understanding and respect. I vividly recall a moment when I informed my friend that I had prior commitments to myself and couldn’t attend an event for her son. Instead, I suggested planning a special time with my friend's son in the future. To my surprise, my friend was incredibly understanding. She emphasized the importance of self-care and the value of my “nephew” learning that the world doesn’t solely revolve around him. THis interaction revealed that prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish but rather sends a powerful message of self-respect and healthy boundaries. It’s a reminder that as women, we aren’t obligated to sacrifice our well-being for others.  

Similarly, clients have shared positive outcomes following communication coaching sessions. Despite initial fears of negative reactions from partners or relatives, approaching conversations with clarity and without the weight of pent-up resentment led to outcomes filled with love and mutual respect. The palpable sense of relief expressed by these individuals underscores the transformative power of asserting boundaries effectively.

Setting boundaries not only nurtures confidence but also strengthens connections. I firmly believe that upholding boundaries is paramount in safeguarding your peace and serving as a model of safety and self-love for those around you.